Conflict management, dispute resolution and why being a people pleaser is not necessarily a good thing
Do you know a people pleaser? Perhaps you are one yourself. On the surface, putting other people first can seem a very worthy, admirable character trait to have. It can make you seem helpful and kind. After all, arguments and conflicts can cause delays to projects and hurt people’s feelings. Surely, the more we can accommodate others in order to push things forward, the better it will be all round.
Right?
Not necessarily.
While people pleasers do appear agreeable and easy to get along with, they can also find it harder to advocate for themselves and ask for what they want or need for a situation. They are less likely to stand up for themselves when someone else is trying to apportion blame, reallocate resources or criticise a previous task. This can lead to feelings of resentment, stress, guilt and self-neglect[1] that can quickly affect the wider project team.
Not only in terms of mental health and morale, but also by damaging working relationships between people. The people pleaser feels resentful and frustrated about being ‘put upon’ and taken for granted, while those around them fall into the habit of relying on their help and can be shocked and confused if the people pleaser cracks and suddenly refuses to co-operate with no prior warning.
Team members who are overly keen to avoid conflict also miss out on a chance to discuss their needs, clarify misunderstandings and gain a greater understanding of the issues at hand. While conflict can feel scary, it can actually be a highly effective way of clearing the air, taking a new approach to things and pushing a project forward.
Conflict can be a good thing
Conflict at work is inevitable in pretty much every workplace or setting there is. Where there are two or more people working together, there will be differences of opinion. These usually lead to discussions on a topic, which can, if not resolved quickly, turn into conflict as those involved double down on their opinion and defend their position more and more assertively. Yet, conflict doesn’t have to be negative. It shows that people are engaged with the issue at hand and care enough about it to stand up to others and push their case. This beats an unenthusiastic, disaffected team who just go with the flow and do not really mind what happens any day.
Conflict can also prompt people to think about issues or difficulties from new points of view and come into contact with new ideas that could improve their own workflow, or contribute to the good of the overall project[2]. It can spark imagination and force people to consider pros and cons they may not have thought about before[3]. Conflict can help you grow as individuals and as a team. When someone criticises you for something you did – or did not – do, it can be healthy to stop and think about whether there was actually some truth in what they said to you. People pleasers or not, most of us have a deep urge inside to try and be the best version of ourselves[4] and, at the same time, make life more pleasant and successful for us and for those we love – or at least respect.
Positive versus negative conflict
Positive conflict is also known as healthy conflict. It takes place when people are able to bring differing views and ideas to the discussion and present them in a productive way that doesn’t criticise, belittle or throw blame at anyone who doesn’t agree with them. Positive conflict allows people to acknowledge others’ points of view and ask for the same respect to be shown to their position. Project members can go away from positive, or healthy conflict feeling empowered and acknowledged, as opposed to shamed or dismissed. The whole process engenders trust, deeper emotional connections between team members and a workable, longer-lasting solution that has been discussed and agreed by everyone. Even if some compromises have had to be made along the way.
Negative conflict, on the other hand, leaves the situation far worse at the end of the discussion than at the start. Attributes of negative conflict include not listening to others, talking or shouting over people and failing to seek clarification about what people are suggesting. It is all about trying to ‘win’, rather than working out the best way forward for everyone involved. Any perceived resolutions to negative conflict are often short-lived, as they are accompanied by resentment and anger from those who feel that they have ‘lost’ the debate and come out worse off.
Positive conflict pointers
When finding ourselves in a conflict or dispute, we simply want to be listened to, respected and to have the chance to put our opinion forward, even if others vehemently disagree with us. Taking the time to really listen to what other people gave to say before leaping in with your own contribution can help you come across as more reasonable, while giving you more information about what your ‘opponent’ actually wants[5]. You may well find that there is more common ground between you than you first thought.
- Look for root causes during your discussions. By tracing the problem back to its origins, you can spot patterns and look for ways to reverse negative trends, or use historical data to change or inform the way ahead. You can use this evidence to convince others who do not want to change of the wisdom of trying a new approach to see what happens.
- Look for common ground. What facts can you actually agree on? Which points cannot be altered at all, in your view, and what can you compromise on to find a mutually agreed way forward? The very fact that you are all on the same project team means that someone, sometime ago, considered all of you competent and intelligent enough to work together and share a common goal. This, at the very least, is important common ground. Hold on to that, and look for the good things about the other person and what they are saying. Compliment them out loud – this can often diffuse negative emotions, break stalemate situations and rebuild trust.
NLP, mBraining and conflict resolution
Finally, the science and thinking around NLP techniques and mBraining can help you get into the right mindset for tackling and diffusing conflict and helping people come to a mutually acceptable solution. In NLP, the concept of ‘perceptual positions’ is an important one, encouraging practitioners to step into other people’s shoes and look at the issue from their ‘conflict opponent’s’ point of view[6]. This can often have very positive results as it allows you to step away from your own emotions and focus instead on what might be motivating everyone else in the situation to feel and act as they are. Remembering that other people very often hold similar views to yourself, but may simply be expressing them in a different way.
Meanwhile, mBraining focuses more on aligning the three ‘brains’ in our body – the head (logical thinking, reasoning and creativity), heart (compassion, empathy and connectivity) and gut (courage, self-preservation and sense of identity)[7]. mBraining teaches us how to listen to each brain, understand what they are saying to us and work out how to act in a way that satisfies each one, or at least compromise in a way that meets the most common areas that are in play[8].
Sound familiar?
The positive conflict tips I provided above work in a very similar way to aligning the head, heart and gut in mBraining. Listening to each brain, thinking about different points of view and offering compromises to get to a workable solution. So, if you can master the art of mBraining, it is not such a great leap to working out how to manage conflict, guide people with opposing views towards compromise and understand how to ‘please people’ in a productive, assertive way, rather than shying away from conflict in the (forlorn) hope it goes away on its own.
To learn more about how mBraining, NLP and other psychological techniques can help you resolve conflict, manage disputes and get projects back on track after a disagreement, contact me to see how I can help.
[1] Source: https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser-5184412#:~:text=A%20people%2Dpleaser%20is%20a,%2Dsacrifice%20or%20self%2Dneglect. Accessed 23 August 2024
[2] Source: https://www.masterclass.com/articles/positive-conflict#. Accessed 24 August 2024
[3] Source: https://hbr.org/2018/01/why-we-should-be-disagreeing-more-at-work. Accessed 24 August 2024
[4] Source: https://www.tonyrobbins.com/personal-growth/become-the-best-version-of-yourself. Accessed 24 August 2024
[5] Source: https://www.masterclass.com/articles/positive-conflict#. Accessed 24 August 2024
[6] Source : https://www.nlpworld.co.uk/nlp-glossary/p/perceptual-positions/. Accessed 24 August 2024
[7] Source: https://mbraining.com/what-is-mbraining/. Accessed 24 August 2024
[8] Source: https://mbraining.com/mbit-and-leadership/. Accessed 24 August 2024
