Are you an active listener? Practical ways to improve your listening skills

How many times have you been listening to a TV or radio programme, or to someone talking to you when you suddenly realise you haven’t actually taken in a word of what is being said? That you have somehow ‘zoned out’ or started thinking about something else and couldn’t repeat what you have just heard a moment ago for love nor money.

This can be irritating when you are trying to follow the plot of a TV show. However, when it comes to project management, it can be catastrophic. If someone is trying to update you on an issue, alert you to a problem or seek your approval or advice, it is vital to listen to them properly and help them feel valued, heard and understood. This is where active listening comes into play.

In 1957, the American psychologist Carl Rogers coined the term ‘active listening’.[1] This describes the art of paying close attention to what is being conveyed verbally and non-verbally (body language etc.) and what emotions are on display. Trying to avoid being distracted by thoughts about what we are going to say in response and actually paying attention to what we are being told. To do this, we must use sufficient energy to stay engaged with the act of listening and maintain our attention span for the whole of the time the message is being relayed.

The three components of active listening

Rogers and his fellow psychologist Richard E. Farson came up with three main components that comprise active listening.[2] First of all, listen for total meaning. In other words, try to take in the meaning of the words or message being conveyed as well as all the emotions, body language and underlying attitudes tied up in the message. If the words do not align with the emotions, body language or general vibe accompanying them, is the speaker actually telling you the truth? Active listening can help you work this out – and that can be valuable information in a project management or commercial setting.

Secondly, active listening involves replying and responding to the speaker, but focusing on their feelings and emotions first and foremost. This helps strengthen the connection between the speaker and their audience and helps avoid misunderstandings or resentment about not feeling ‘heard’. This is where empathy is a vital active listening skill, more of which below.

Finally, noting and reacting to non-verbal cues offers a more comprehensive understanding of the message being transmitted. These can include facial expressions, tone of voice and speed of delivery, For example, a team member updating you as the project manager about progress (or lack of it) might talk in a fast, breathy, high-pitched manner. This suggests they are nervous of you, or of a potential negative reaction to what they are telling you. You can do your part to help them relax by replying calmly, reassuring them that you will not be angry and helping them work through any problems or concerns with you.

Why is active listening so important in project management?

Active listening is one of the most important ‘soft skills’ you can develop. It brings people together, fosters trust and makes the whole team feel valued and consulted.[3] An active listener provides a safe space for others to express their feelings and give their ideas and opinions. Projects thrive on new input and ideas – and you never know when or from where inspiration may emerge. Newer or less experienced team members can benefit from connecting to an active listener, as it builds confidence and models an excellent method of communication.

Other benefits to project teams include increasing people’s skills in spotting and addressing problems, resolving conflict, building effective working relationships and empowering leadership.[4] Project managers need to develop a plethora of workplace skills like this, and undergoing formal or informal soft skills training can make a huge difference in this regard. Having a manager who listens well can also lead to the whole team feeling happier, more productive and enjoying stronger mental health.[5]

Empathy versus sympathy

In an animated video posted to YouTube ten years ago, Dr Brené Brown describes the difference between empathy and sympathy.[6] She talks about empathy fuelling connection and talking with others. Sympathy is more about driving a disconnection and talking to someone else. Empathy puts the listener in the same position as the person talking. “I’m so glad you told me,” “That must be very hard.” To show empathy, you can repeat back phrases that the person has used so they know you have heard them. Never try to tell them how they should feel, but acknowledge and accept how they are feeling themselves.

Sympathy, on the other hand, tries to make things better without making a meaningful connection. It focuses on the phrase “at least”. For example, “I know you have lost your keys, but at least you didn’t lose your whole bag.” Not always that helpful! Sympathy seems to be a kind response on the surface, but it doesn’t offer a deeper connection, or shared emotion. It somehow places the listener above, or in judgement of the person sharing their feelings or experience. Sympathy is not always helpful when practising active listening. It can demonstrate that you are not fully engaged in the issue at hand and can make people feel patronised, dismissed or judged.

Top tips to improve your project management active listening

Active listening involves the whole body. Standing or sitting face on with the person so that you can maintain good eye contact and spot their facial expressions is a great start.[7] Cross-check what the person is saying with their facial expressions, gestures, posture and other aspects of body contact. For example, are they smiling or frowning? Arms tightly crossed or relaxed by their sides? Acting nervous or displaying confidence?

Try not to interrupt the other person or anticipate what they are going to say. This leads to frustration on both sides. It can be tempting to do this if you are nervous. Take a few deep breaths and focus on really listening to what you are being told. Do not jump to conclusions or judge the other person too quickly. You may not know the full picture yet. Actively listening to the person while they tell you the full story can often reveal surprising or unexpected information later on in the conversation that puts things in a whole new light.

Show that you are listening by using appropriate facial expressions, mirroring the other person’s gestures or posture if appropriate, paraphrasing what they have told you and asking related questions to clarify your understanding. Finally, remember that new skills need to be worked on and rarely come naturally to people from day one. Take time to practise active listening and note the responses you get. You may be pleasantly surprised by how differently people react to you when you start to show more active listening traits.

Are you thinking about your listening skills and would like to find out how to communicate with others on a deeper level? Ask me how I can help!

[1] Source : https://wholebeinginstitute.com/wp-content/uploads/Rogers_Farson_Active-Listening.pdf. Accessed 28 May 2024

[2] Source: https://positivepsychology.com/active-listening-techniques/. Accessed 28 May 2024

[3] Source: https://positivepsychology.com/active-listening-techniques/. Accessed 28 May 2024

[4] Source : https://www.inpd.co.uk/blog/benefits-of-active-listening. Accessed 28 May 2024

[5] Source : https://www.inpd.co.uk/blog/benefits-of-active-listening. Accessed 28 May 2024

[6] Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw. Accessed 28 May 2024

[7] Source: https://www.bhf.org.uk/informationsupport/heart-matters-magazine/wellbeing/how-to-talk-about-health-problems/active-listening. Accessed 28 May 2024