How to give (and receive) feedback that inspires growth, not fear!

Have you ever heard the phrase ‘there is no failure, only feedback’?[1] This is commonly used in NLP and coaching and is a great way to help people change their perspective. There is a great video on YouTube that explores famous figures from the worlds of sport, entertainment, business and science who experienced failure early in their careers but learned from feedback and went on to enjoy global acclaim.

These include such luminaries as Michael Jordan, Albert Einstein, Oprah Winfrey, Walt Disney, Lionel Messi and Steve Jobs: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLYECIjmnQs&rco=1

As we develop, we learn from our mistakes. Difficult things become easier for us over time when we devote time and energy to practice, training, and growing our mindset. We wouldn’t dream of telling a baby to stop trying to walk if they fall over a few times at the start. So why should we give ourselves – or anyone else – the same message as an adult? If we do not allow ourselves the space to learn from feedback and try again, how can we develop our skills and move closer to success?

GROW-ing from feedback

Giving constructive feedback benefits everyone. The person receiving the feedback learns how they might improve and develop in their role to enjoy future success. For others involved in the project, the process can result in better performance, increased team engagement and higher levels of trust across the group.

Giving feedback effectively is not easy. Fear of repercussions if the feedback is too harsh can be very real, as can the worry that ‘sugar-coating’ bad news will make the message misleading or unclear. It might seem counterintuitive, but it really is best to address issues head-on and let people know where improvements need to be made – and why. All the while highlighting positive areas and handing out plenty of praise where it is due.

The so-called ‘feedback sandwich’ that offers a positive comment, an area for improvement and a final positive comment can appear effective in that it helps people digest bad news more easily as criticisms are delivered at the same time and praise. However, the jury is currently out on whether or not the technique demonstrably improves actual performance.[2]

The GROW model is perhaps a better place to start.[3] It was developed by Sir John Whitmore and colleagues in the 1980s and comprises a simple four-stage model covering the main aspects of providing feedback and discussing performance. It can be used formally and informally, in one-to-one feedback meetings, employee appraisals, ‘water cooler conversations’, and professional coaching sessions.

The four stages are as follows:

1. GOAL: What do you want? What are you trying to achieve and how are you planning (or already trying) to do to get there?
2. REALITY: What is happening now? This is the feedback part of the model. What are the positive and negative aspects of your current situation?
3. OPTIONS: What can you actually do next? If things are positive, can they carry on as before, or can you do even better? For negative feedback, what choices can you realistically make to turn problems around?
4. WILL: What will you do next? This is where feedback done correctly offers an enormous amount of value. The person receiving the feedback leaves the conversation or meeting with an actionable plan. This keeps them motivated and avoids any feelings of ‘failure’ getting in the way of making a positive change.

Always use this model in conjunction with open questions and active listening techniques – see my earlier blogs for more information and top tips in these key project management coaching areas.

Conflict, concerns and challenging conversations

As with all models, when we use the GROW approach in the ‘real world’ we must also take people’s emotions and human reactions into account. People are often apprehensive about receiving feedback and can come to the meeting already feeling defensive. The feedback provider must allow time and space for people to process the messages and express feelings about them safely. Having said that, a certain level of conflict and challenge can be healthy, so long as everyone involved feels psychologically safe. Working in an ‘echo chamber’ of views that are never, ever challenged can be dangerous. External ideas and perspectives that could massively improve a project, or even fix a serious flaw, are not considered until far too late in the process to make the required changes. However, people handle conflict differently, and it is vital to understand how to deal with that to reach the best outcome for all.

According to research by Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann conducted in the 1970s, conflict can be placed into five different categories. By understanding which type of conflict is being displayed during a feedback session, the person providing the feedback can work out how to address concerns, adjust their own approach and defuse any rising volatility[4]:

(Source: https://kilmanndiagnostics.com/overview-thomas-kilmann-conflict-mode-instrument-tki/)

The five conflict terms in the model above are fairly self-explanatory. A competing approach centres around pursuing one’s own interests at the expense of others. It is power-centred and designed to ensure a ‘win’. Not exactly conducive to taking constructive feedback on board.

Conversely, the accommodating approach takes the opposite approach with the person giving or receiving the feedback being too ‘self-sacrificing’ and co-operative within the conflict to get their own needs across. This can be detrimental to the feedback process if a project manager is reluctant to relay bad news and so only talks about positive points to make the other person feel better.

Avoiding is, as the name suggests, equally unhelpful, as it aims to by-pass the whole issue, not talk about feedback at all and sweep matters under the carpet. This is not sustainable and can cause longer-term damage if people remain unaware of the problems they could be causing the wider project team.

The two other conflict styles in the model take a more balanced approach and are more effective tools for giving and receiving feedback. Collaboration involves all parties working together to resolve issues without allowing negative emotions or self-interest to get in the way. Likewise, compromising allows everyone to present their views and work together to find a solution that the project team can live with. In feedback terms, this could involve seeking mid-term solutions to a problem and arranging further discussions later on to discuss the rest of the issue.

Receiving feedback

Before I end this blog, here are a few thoughts on receiving feedback. This is not the passive activity that many people think it is. There are two main areas to discuss here. First of all, how to receive feedback gracefully, reflectively and in a way that will allow you to develop and grow. This is harder than it first seems, as we can all get emotional when someone is critiquing our personal performance. It is hard not to take negative feedback personally. It can also be difficult for some personality types to accept praise and positive feedback, especially if we have experienced a lot of criticism and negative feedback delivered poorly in the past.

The key thing here is to take time to process what you are hearing before you react. There are various tools to help with this, including reflective mirroring.[5] This is where you repeat the feedback back to the giver, rephrasing it in your own words to ensure understanding. This gives you space to think about what they might mean, and allows them the chance to clear up any misunderstandings right away.

After the feedback session, take time to further process what you have heard. Think about how the news was delivered – and why. The giver’s personality and own priorities could have a huge influence on how the message was relayed. For example, an impatient project manager who is worried about impending deadlines could come across as more critical and aggressive than someone who has longer to react and is a calmer, more reflective person. Think about why the issue has been raised and how you have acted to bring about the feedback. Be honest in your self-reflection. Is there value in what the person is saying? There usually is at least a kernel of truth in feedback and an opportunity for you to learn and grow.

The second area is about ensuring your own psychological safety when receiving feedback.

Here is a great link to a website providing tips for delivering psychologically safe feedback: https://psychsafety.co.uk/giving-feedback-with-psychological-safety/

While the list is aimed at those giving feedback, it can also be very helpful for those receiving it. As you process your feedback, run through the list and ask yourself whether what you have just heard meets the different criteria.[6] Having a sense-check like this can stop your mind from spiralling into unhelpful negative thoughts or anxiety about how well you are performing overall. For example, does the feedback come from a well-intentioned place? Is it overly nit-picking or trivial? Does it focus on your behaviour or attack perceived faults in your personality? Has the giver provided you with positive messages as well as criticisms or areas to improve?

Reflecting on points like these can help you feel safe when addressing less-than-glowing feedback. As can having someone neutral and reasonable to run your concerns by and help you process the information. You might also like to look back on my earlier blog series around trauma-informed coaching and ways to handle discussion around emotionally challenging subjects. 

Concerned about giving or receiving feedback as a project manager? Find out how I can help you develop your skills, handle conflicts and enjoy greater feedback success.

[1] Source: https://instituteofclinicalhypnosis.com/nlp/no-failure-only-feedback-nlp-presupposition/. Accessed 21 June 2024

[2] Source: https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbeshumanresourcescouncil/2022/04/25/why-the-sandwich-approach-to-criticism-is-terrible-advice/. Accessed 21 June 2024

[3] Source: https://www.coachingcultureatwork.com/wp-content/uploads/The-GROW-Model.pdf. Accessed 21 June 2024

[4] Source: https://kilmanndiagnostics.com/overview-thomas-kilmann-conflict-mode-instrument-tki/. Accessed 21 June 2024

[5] Source: https://hbr.org/2022/06/the-right-way-to-process-feedback. Accessed 21 June 2024

[6] Source: https://psychsafety.co.uk/giving-feedback-with-psychological-safety/. Accessed 21 June 2024