Protecting your mental health while living with grief
There is a somewhat glib saying, attributed to Benjamin Franklin in 1789, that nothing is certain in life except death and taxes. However, there is another very important inevitability to mention, which is that we will all experience the loss of a friend or loved one through death and must go through the grieving process. Grief is universal. As well as deaths of loved ones, we can also experience grief at other difficult times in our lives. This can include losing a friendship, a romantic relationship breaking down, the loss of a much-loved job or anything that changes life as we wanted it to be[1].
Different for everyone
Grief is not only inevitable; it is also extremely personal. No-one feels grief in the same way, even if they are going through a similar type of loss. Neither does grief flow in a straight line, or take equal times for each stage to pass. Despite several professionals trying to pin down what happens when, we can take far longer to pass through one stage over another – and we can return to previous feelings and emotions at any time. There are no rules when it comes to grieving and the effect it has on our mental health.
Despite this, there are some helpful theories and writings out there to help us make at least some small sense of such an overwhelming time. In 1969, Swiss-American psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote a book called On Death and Dying. In it, she wrote about five stages of grief, each one covering a different kind of emotion and state of mental health. She had worked with terminally ill people for years and had watched numerous families and loved ones pass through the process[2].
Since the publication of Kubler-Ross’s book, others have added a further two stages of grief to her original model to help further explain what we go through. Some people find it very helpful to read more on this topic and can feel far less alone in their struggles if they know that others are embarking on the same journey and feeling the same things. It is important to note that no single stage should be considered the hardest or easiest to bear. Neither should there be a time limit placed on any of them[3]. Grief is personal and different for everyone, after all. People passing through each stage need to be supported and guided, but never judged or told how to feel.
Here is a breakdown of the seven stages of grief, with some thoughts on how to protect and support your mental health, or that of someone whom you are supporting while they grieve a bereavement or other significant loss.
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Shock and denial
The news that someone you love has died, or that something you cherish in life is no longer there can be a huge shock to the system. You can feel all sorts of physiological reactions, from numbness to tiredness, aches and physical pain[4]. This can be accompanied by, or swiftly followed by denial – a feeling that if you don’t believe that the loss has occurred, it can somehow be undone. Or, denial can come in the form of denying your feelings – telling people that you are OK and able to cope when, in reality, you are struggling to keep going. This first stage is when your mental health is hugely vulnerable. As you go into a state of self-preservation and denial, so it is essential to lean on other people and other avenues of support when they are offered.
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Pain and guilt
Again, this stage is commonly accompanied by negative impacts on mental health. As the news sinks in and denial turns into realisation that the loss is real and your feelings are strong, so you should continue to lean on those offering you their support and strength. Pain can be both physical and mental, while guilt can become overwhelming – both in the form of ‘survivor’s guilt and worries around whether you could have done anything to prevent the terrible loss from happening or not. This stage can be incredibly difficult to come to terms with and some people seek solace in external comforts such as alcohol or drugs. However, this will only make things worse in the longer term and responsible, reliable mental health support must be sought to protect yourself while you are so vulnerable.
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Anger and bargaining
If you are supporting someone going through grief, this can often be the stage when they lash out at you and others around them in a bid to release the pent-up anger at their situation. Compassion and understanding is key here, as is patience. If you are the one feeling angry, look after yourself and work out ways to release your feelings safely and without risking harm to long-term friends and loved ones who only want to help. Anger is often accompanied by bargaining – pleading or wrestling with the ‘powers that be’ to try and bring the person back, or reverse the new situation. Counselling and professional mental health support can really help you make sense of the loss you are feeling at this stage without causing harm to others while you go through this stage and its inevitably powerful feelings
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Depression
It may seem obvious that someone will be sad after a loved one dies or experience a significant loss. However, depression goes beyond sadness or upset over an unwanted change in life’s circumstances. It can be all encompassing, affecting your thoughts, actions, physical and mental health and emotions. Recognising when you or someone else is going through depression as early as possible is key to getting the help that you or they need. It’s not as simple as ‘snapping out of it’ and it can take professional input and lots of patience to help navigate this stage of grief while supporting your mental health and that of those around you.
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The upward turn
This stage of grief is where things start to move on from exclusively negative feelings and emotions. There is the beginnings of a realisation that life has to keep going and the stirrings of a wish to move on from the loss. You can start to feel hope for the future again and to think beyond the immediacy of your feelings and reactions in grief. While there is no time limit or recommended schedules to any of the stages of grief, this is the point when you can start to put plans in place for what you want to do next. Your mental health can be strengthened at this stage with lots of positive affirmations and spending time with people who will help you see that there is still joy in life. Returning to things you used to enjoy doing, or thinking about starting new activities can also help keep your mental health more robust as the thought of returning to normal life begins to feel less daunting.
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Reconstruction
Following on from the upward turn is the stage when you start to think about making positive changes to enable you to carry on with life as it now is for you. Returning to old activities, seeing friends and family and gaining the strength to sort through a loved one’s belongings are all signs that this more hopeful stage of grieving is beginning to take hold. Again, mental health can be boosted at this point by spending time with friends and family, doing things you enjoy, such as going out for a drink or meal and thinking about new hobbies, lifestyle changes and aspirations. Reconstructing your life, or support someone else do so after such a difficult time can only help strengthen mental health and build resilience and hope for the future.
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Acceptance and hope
Maya Angelou once said, “You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.[5]” This is the final stage of grieving that signals acceptance of what has happened and the decision to be hopeful for the future, rather than regretful of the past. Of course, there will always be sadness around what you have lost, and acceptance does not always equal happiness. However, it does come with renewed positivity about what lies ahead. It is important to still be kind to yourself even at this stage, as the mind and body have just gone through a huge ordeal. However, with the right kind of support, your mental health can continue to be protected as you come out from under the veil of grieving and move on to the next stage in your life with fresh hope. Check out the advice given by the NHS for a few ideas on how to help yourself feel hopeful and happier again[6].
Where to seek help
If you or someone you know if experiencing grief or bereavement right now and you would like to find more resources to help the process and support your and other people’s mental health, please check out these helpful links.
[1] Source: The Stages of Grief: How to Understand Your Feelings (healthline.com). Accessed 23 July 2022.
[2] Source: The 7 Stages Of Grief And How Death Affects You | BetterHelp. Accessed 23 July 2022.
[3] Source: https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/en/explore-mental-health/covid-19-resources/change-loss-and-bereavement. Accessed 23 July 2022.
[4] Source: https://headspace.org.au/explore-topics/for-young-people/grief-and-loss/. Accessed 23 July 2022.
[5] Source: https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/en/explore-mental-health/covid-19-resources/change-loss-and-bereavement. Accessed 23 July 2022.
[6] Source: https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/tips-and-support/how-to-be-happier/. Accessed 23 July 2022.
