Building blocks and barriers: how adverse childhood experiences can affect coaching in adulthood
It is thought that the foundations of our character and personality are laid within the first five years of our life.[1] The brain grows rapidly at this time too – up to around 90% of its full size by the age of five. During this time, the neurons in the brain are making connections too as we start to make sense of the world around us. How these connections are made determines a lot about how very young children develop their values, thoughts, emotions and behaviours. While some of this originates from genetics, most of it comes from the experiences the child has and the impact these have on their emotional and mental wellbeing.
Freud’s five stages of childhood
Sigmund Freud had a theory about childhood development taking place over five distinct stages and what we need most at each stage.[2]
- Stage 1 – These start with birth to 18 months, when we need nourishment, basic care and prompt attention to stay alive. If these needs are not met, we experience mistrust and doubt for the first time.
- Stage 2 – Babies develop into toddlers and become ready to explore their environment. While motor skills rapidly evolve, judgement does not, so we need a constant guiding presence to keep us safe. A fine balance must be maintained between ensuring safety and allowing children to develop confidence in their abilities.
- Stage 3 – This stage covers the ages between three and five years. Children start gaining in independence, assertiveness and eagerness to explore. They begin to develop relationships with others outside their main caregivers. Not allowing these connections to develop, or stifling a child’s natural curiosity at this age can seriously dent their confidence and make them feel guilty for wanting to branch out.
- Stage 4 & 5 – The final two stages cover late childhood (ages five to 12) and adolescence (the teenage years). We begin to compare ourselves with others, discovering our own strengths and weaknesses and feeling pride in our accomplishments. Where industriousness and effort are not recognised and rewarded, we can lose motivation and start to develop an inferiority complex. By our teenage years, we are focusing more and more on our own identity and looking at where we fit into wider society. We start to question the values we have been given by our parents and early years care givers, testing them to see if we still agree with them or have developed other ideas.
Adverse childhood experiences
How we are parented, or cared for, from babyhood through to late teens has a powerful effect on our personality and resilience levels. If we feel safe and connected to our primary caregivers, this instils in us a sense of calm and reassurance. We feel confident that, in times of stress, we can receive comfort and support from those who love us. We feel safe reaching out to other people to form relationships as we grow into adulthood. Conversely, if we have negative experiences of caregivers not being there for us in childhood, or actively causing us stress or alarm, this teaches us to not trust anyone to help us, and that we will not be supported in our quest to learn and mature.
Adverse childhood experiences can stay with us for a very long time and stop us from fulfilling our potential as adults. They can prevent us from forming bonds and making meaningful connections with other people[3]. There are several different types of adverse childhood experiences. Some of these include racial or religious abuse, sexual abuse, domestic violence, gang culture, bullying, poverty, hunger, homelessness, witnessing crimes, becoming a refugee and childhood pregnancy. Of course, there are many more examples.
Dealing with adverse childhood experiences during coaching
When coaching clients, it is likely that you will come across people who have gone through adverse childhood experiences that still affect how they feel, think and behave today. Some of the side effects that can linger into adulthood include depression, anxiety, poor education, unwise judgement, disrupted employment, poor social outcomes, anorexia or issues with food and weight, alcohol dependency, drug addiction and chronic diseases such as fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome or migraine. All of these can seriously affect how well an individual copes with the challenges thrown at them by adult life. It can also impact on future generations if the person has children of their own and does not feel able, or know how to interact with them in a positive way that breaks the generational cycle.
It can be common for someone to come to coaching with one or more specific aims in mind, only to find that issues stemming from adverse childhood experiences crop up instead. There can be issues around attachment and how well the person being coached can interact with, trust and form relationships with those around them. This includes you as their coach. It is inevitable that you will discuss some difficult topics and share intimate details and advice, so trust is an absolute necessity during coaching sessions.
Coaches must tread delicately, as dismissing something that someone says, not being available for a requested appointment or suggesting they speak to someone specialising in adverse childhood experiences could all be seen as rejection or abandonment. This could lead to negative responses, mistrust in you as their coach and even aggressive or traumatic behaviour. Choose your words carefully and reassure the person that they are safe and will not be left to cope alone if they indicate that they need help.
Polyvagal Theory
One particularly relevant theory to consider when dealing with adverse childhood experiences is the polyvagal theory.[4] Developed by Dr Stephen Porges in the 1990s, the theory examines the idea that the autonomic nerve plays a vital role in how we react to our environment and the effect this has on our health and behaviours. The theory looks in part at the three different states that our nervous system can enter, governing how we feel and react at any given moment.
One is ‘mobilisation’ – or that feeling of ‘fight or flight’ that we feel when threatened or stressed. This comes from the sympathetic nervous system and is what makes us face up to or flee away from a scary or challenging situation. Next is ‘immobilisation’, or a state of collapse that freezes our reactions and stops us from reacting at all. It makes us feel numb and disconnected to our surroundings. This originates from the parasympathetic nerve system dorsal vagal pathway.
Finally, the ‘relaxed’ or social engagement response from the parasympathetic nerve system ventral vagal pathway occurs when we feel safe and supported. Our heart rate and breathing is calm and measured and we feel able to connect to others and respond according to social norms. There are various ways in which people can train themselves to react in this third, healthier way to potentially challenging stimuli, although this can take time to fully master.
As a coach, it is well worth spending time looking further into doing this.[5] Some effective polyvagal techniques include breathing exercises, visualisation and adopting a GROUNDED approach to your work (see my previous blog on building emotional resilience through the GROUNDED method). That way, when you are faced with a client who is showing signs of distress or overwhelm due to adverse childhood experiences, you can remain calm and reassuring yourself, keeping the level of emotion in the room more stable and helping direct them to the right source of psychological support. It also helps you stay focused and relaxed yourself.
Coaching tools used by mBIT coaches can support clients particularly well as this allows a wonderful intergration with polyvagal theory into the coaching practice.
For more information about coping with adverse childhood experiences and the polyvagal theory as related to trauma-informed coaching or mBIT, please contact me to find out how I can help.
[1] Source: https://www.parentcircle.com/childrens-personality-development-the-5-stages/article. Accessed 25 March 2024
[2] Source: https://www.parentcircle.com/childrens-personality-development-the-5-stages/article. Accessed 25 March 2024
[3] Source: The Trauma-Informed Coach, Joanna Harper, published 2022, p19
[4] Source: https://www.polyvagalinstitute.org/whatispolyvagaltheory. Accessed 25 March 2024
[5] Source: The Trauma-Informed Coach, Joanna Harper, published 2022, p132
