Body talk: how to use body language and rapport to build effective relationships

It can hardly have escaped your attention that many of the messages we communicate to others are non-verbal. There have been many studies carried out on the subject, including an often-cited model from Dr Albert Mehrabian. He postulated that communications can be broken down into 7% coming from the actual words that are spoken, 38% from the tone of voice used and a whopping 55% gleaned from our body language . Other studies have produced slightly different numbers, but the results all point convincingly towards the emphasise placed on body language and how we sit, stand, move and look when we are communicating with others.

In NLP terms, this is highly valuable information. Knowing what effects your body language has on your listener can help you work proactively on establishing rapport with them. For yourself, adopting confident body language before giving a presentation, for example, can help you re-programme your own mind to feel less nervous. Recognising and altering ‘angry’ body language can help you stay calmer during conflict resolution . Through the NLP technique of reframing, you can also help others work through difficult feelings and change their behaviours by modelling excellence in your own body language and tone of voice.

Building rapport

Being aware of your body language and replicating positive examples from others can really help build rapport. This is useful in several situations in both business and personal life. Some examples include:

  • sales conversations,
  • job interviews,
  • business networking,
  • giving presentations,
  • coaching,
  • deepening personal relationships, and
  • handling conflict.

Rapport can be built up and broken by using body language, according to the situation and your own needs and goals.
So, how do you do this? A lot of it is about observing what you and others do in different situations. How does the body language of other people make you feel – why is that, and what could they have done to make you feel more – or less – comfortable? Look at elements such as how you (or the other person) are sitting or standing. What you are doing with your arms and legs? Are you leaning into the conversation or tilting away? What is your face doing? Are you showing positive or negative emotions, such as smiling with your mouth and your eyes, or looking closed-off and defensive?

Next, consider how you can use NLP techniques to use your body language to create rapport. Some methods include mirroring, or matching what your listener is doing. Make sure this doesn’t come across as too intense or creepy. So, don’t copy absolutely everything, just general things like how you hold your hands while you sit, whether you have your legs crossed at the knee or not or how much the other person is leaning into you as you talk. This will help the other person feel comfortable talking to you, and like you are both on the same page.

Other ways you can use mirroring to help build rapport include matching breathing patterns, such as speed and whether you breathe from the chest or stomach, facial expressions and eye contact, speed and volume of speaking and the quality or resonance of your voice. Words can also be used to establish rapport, for example using the same type of phrases, matching the amount of detail provided by the other person and finding common experiences to talk about, like hobbies, news about mutual acquaintances, the weather and your journey to the venue.

 

Reading the room

The flip side of using your own body language to reassure and motivate others is the ability to ‘read the room’ and use other people’s non-verbal communication signs to inform your next move. It is vital, for example, to work out when someone is annoyed or upset with what you are saying, in order to back off and try a different tack, or give them some space to reflect. This is similar for sales conversations. If your audience feels pressured or rushed, you will not make a sale or leave them feeling good about their interaction with you.

By recognising when someone needs more time to think, you can tactfully withdraw and give them the space they need by leaving the room to make a phone call, visit the bathroom or simply step out for some fresh air. This is an example when breaking rapport, by physically removing yourself from their sight while they discuss or reflect on what you are telling them, can actually prove a positive thing to do. It can show respect for their decision-making processes and relieve immediate pressure that stops them thinking straight.

Another example could be when you are making a presentation at work about a subject to which your audience is hostile or has suspicions about. Again, giving people time to reflect and respond to what you are saying with their questions and concerns will help them frame a more positive view of you and the contents of your presentation. This will then make it easier for the conversation to continue in a more productive way later on. This is another situation where mirroring body language can be useful as it can help the listener feel acknowledged and ‘seen’. Again, don’t overdo this – always ‘read the room’ to make sure that the technique is making the situation better, not worse.

Regulate yourself

Although this article has, so far, largely been about using body language to strengthen your relationships, rapport and mutual trust with others, it isalso be a helpful tool to get a better handle on your own emotions and inner feelings. Our body and mind are intertwined and one cannot exist without the other. Therefore, it stands to reason that how we move our body will affect our mind, mood and feelings. Likewise, our state of mind will affect how we stand, sit and use our arms and legs etc.

One way to help us handle our emotions is to think of them as action signals, rather than feelings over which we have no control . A negative emotion is there to tell us that we have veered off the path of happiness and that something is not quite right. Just like a funny noise in our car’s engine, it is tells us that it is time to take action to repair what has gone wrong before things break down altogether.

Sometimes, the ‘something’s gone wrong’ feeling is due to external factors that we cannot fully control and we can only work to repair what we can. Other times, however, we can adjust our body language to help teach our mind that there is, in actual fact, nothing too much to worry about. Coupled with longer-term techniques such as meditation and breathing exercises, this can help our autonomic nervous system learn how to remain calmer at times of stress so that we can think more clearly and achieve the results we want. Including building trust and rapport wherever we can.

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[1] Source: https://londonimageinstitute.com/how-much-of-communication-is-nonverbal/. Accessed 28 August 2023

[2] Source: NLP for Business Success, Jeremy Lazarus, published 2013, pp 11-12

[3] Source: https://www.drbridgetnlp.com/2022/08/14/nlp-technique-no-6-body-language/. Accessed 28 August 2023

[4] Source: NLP for Business Success, Jeremy Lazarus, published 2013, pp 60-64

[5] Source: Avoiding the Enemies to Happiness, Grant Soosalu, published 2014, pp 240-241