How to help people stop unhealthy habits from getting in the way of healthy change

“There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don’t know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don’t know we don’t know.”

So said Donald Rumsfeld, former US Secretary of Defense, about the war in Iraq in 2002[1]. While it can take some time to unpack his quote linguistically, it contains a great deal of wisdom. Whether you are representing one of the most powerful nations on Earth talking about their military strategy or finding ways to help your client handle their individual trauma, understanding what you already know, what you don’t yet know and what you probably should know is extremely important.

Unhealthy habits are bad news. They can affect us in our personal and work lives and lead to a bad reputation. From being unreliable or disengaged at work to upsetting friends and family by not putting effort into our relationships, bad habits can cause a great deal of upset, anger and hurt. What’s more, unhealthy habits can have a seriously detrimental effect on ourselves – even if we don’t know it yet.

These habits can include negative thoughts about ourselves, blaming ourselves for everything that goes wrong and engaging in destructive self-soothing behaviour (e.g. nail biting, overeating, using drugs or alcohol). While we may think that we are only hurting ourselves, the repercussions of dealing with someone caught up in such negative cycles can be far-reaching. Again, this is vital information that we need to know in order to avoid engaging in unwitting self-sabotage at work or in our personal lives.

What are unhealthy habits?

Habits can be defined as patterns of behaviour or thoughts that are repeated so often that they become automatic. We barely notice that we are doing them as our brains are taken up with other, less familiar activities.[2] Habits can be good or bad – even something as simple as what time you get up can be positive (setting an alarm and getting up early enough to get to work on time as opposed to sleeping in and having to rush to avoid being late). Some habits that feel like they should be good can, in fact, be damaging. For example always saying ‘yes’ to things, even when you don’t want to do them. This can impact on your energy levels, self-esteem and other people’s opinions of you and how well you set boundaries (or not).

Good and bad habits can be broken. When it comes to unhealthy habits, this can be harder, as many of them will have been established as a self-soothing exercise (biting your nails) or as a coping mechanism for dealing with anxiety (procrastinating over a difficult task at work). It can be far easier to manage if you are motivated by something specific. This is a good area to explore during a coaching session. No matter how much someone talks about a change that needs to happen, they won’t get very far with it unless they find a strong motivating factor to inspire them to take positive action.

The drama triangle

One motivating factor could be a desire to change how someone sees themselves in difficult situations. We all want to think of ourselves as competent, optimistic and free from any limitations that could affect how well we cope with a given situation. However, our position on what is known as the ‘drama triangle’ can have a huge impact on the type of unhealthy habits we inadvertently display. The drama triangle was devised by US psychiatrist, Stephen B. Karpman[3]. It defines the three roles that people take on (and can switch between) when experiencing periods of high conflict or complex emotion. These roles are ‘Victim’, ‘Persecutor’ and ‘Rescuer’. Each one pulls us into different patterns of behaviour and unconscious habits.

Once again, knowing what we know can really help us navigate the drama triangle and come out with a greater awareness of how we routinely behave during times of stress. Staying in one area all the time is not healthy. The victim can feel powerless and oppressed. They can find it hard to make decisions and therefore avoid taking any responsibility. The persecutor displays unhealthy habits around bullying and lashing out at others. They can be rigid in their beliefs and driven by anger.

Finally, the rescuer can feel like their role is to be an enabler or martyr. This removes agency from the victim, who is not allowed to try and solve the situation for themselves. Enablers can repeatedly put others’ needs over theirs, thus creating problems for themselves around confidence or self-esteem further down the line. When coaching others, it can be easy to slip into rescuer mode[4]. However, it is important not to take over and tell your client what to do. Avoid this by staying open-minded, flexible, curious and focused on helping your clients work things out for themselves.

The APEX model

I talked last month in my blog about the APEX model in the context of recognising and working on trauma-related triggers[5]. APEX is also an extremely useful tool for breaking unhealthy habits, which are often brought about by such triggers. Just to recap, the process starts with ‘Awareness’, or actively noticing the client’s problematic behaviour patterns, unhelpful thought processes and unhealthy habits. These may have been buried deep in their subconscious for a long time, so it can take time to unpack everything. Some physical reactions to watch for include sighing, slumping eating mindlessly and experiencing spiralling negative thoughts. Once we become aware of these unhealthy habits, it is far easier to address them.

Next, it is vital to Pause for reflection. A lot of the tools used in coaching are based at least partially on the power of the pause[6] Pausing gives the coach more time to compose their next question and the client more time to answer. It is a gesture of respect and acknowledgement that there is no hurry and that the client is fully entitled to the coach’s time and attention. Once an unhealthy habit has been identified, take time to pause and allow thoughts and reactions around it to fully form. Only then can the person begin to work out how to interrupt their unwanted habit.

Engaging with the whole process comes after the pause. This is the stage when the client thinks actively about what they feel when they perform a habit, why they started it, what is unhealthy about it and what they want to happen next. As with so much of coaching, it is vital for the client to engage with and take ownership of their own feelings and to develop their own motivations around why they want to change. The coach must not step in as ‘rescuer’ too quickly.

Finally, the Crossroads (‘X’) comes when the client takes the active and conscious decision to break their unhealthy habit. This may be a long and hard process for them, but this step is vital. Help your clients replace an unhealthy habit by making a list of positive behaviours, thought patterns and beliefs they can engage in instead.

This can include simple things like sitting up straight whenever they feel their posture slumping. Opening hands whenever they tense into fists. Changing what they say to themselves when anxiety starts to creep in or self-confidence threatens to disappear. Change like this is not a simple process for many people and they will face challenges along the way. All of this will help fill the vacuum and help the person fight the instinct to fall back into old behaviours.

If you’re interested in learning more about how trauma-informed coaching can support people in addressing unhealthy habits, please get in touch with me to see how I can help:  Let’s Connect

To get training in trauma-informed coaching head over to Joanna Harper Training

[1] Source: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/donald_rumsfeld_148142. Accessed 28 January 2024

[2] Source: https://www.mindtools.com/aqscx1c/breaking-bad-habits. Accessed 28 January 2024

[3] Source: https://karpmandramatriangle.com. Accessed 28 January 2024

[4] Source: The Trauma-Informed Coach, Joanna Harper, published 2022, p159-160

[5] Source: The Trauma-Informed Coach, Joanna Harper, published 2022, p14-17

[6] Source: https://www.loveyourcoaching.com/the-power-of-pausing-in-coaching-2/. Accessed 28 January 2024