Harness your self-confidence with NLP for better performance at work and greater happiness at home

Self-confidence is strongly connected to self-esteem and the way that we view and think about ourselves. Low self-confidence can stop us from enjoying life to the full, or trusting that we can overcome challenges and take on exciting new opportunities. The more self-confidence we have, the less likely it is that we will sabotage, or threaten our own happiness through unhelpful, negative self-talk[1].

American car magnate, Henry Ford said:

“Whether you think you can, or think you can’t, you’re right.[2]”

In other words, your belief in your own abilities is the starting point for how confident you feel. NLP works by changing patterns in the way that we think, act and speak about experiences that shape our lives. NLP practitioners firmly believe that confidence is something that can be can be developed; you don’t have to remain fearful, nervous or shy forever if you don’t want to!

The thief of joy?

Self-esteem and self-confidence, by their very nature, are affected by how we value ourselves and our abilities. So, it is somewhat ironic that we often base how we feel about ourselves on direct comparisons with others. We see someone doing something we admire and compare ourselves negatively to them. It can be easy to think that we can’t do something as well as someone else seems to be able to.

The trouble with that is that we may not have the full picture. Someone may have huge strengths in one area, it’s true, but we don’t know what other things they may be struggling with – or whether or not they may be feeling envious about something that we are able to do, but take for granted. No one can see how another person really views themselves or feels about themselves inside.

Our self-image doesn’t remain static – it changes depending on our mood, past experiences and reactions of those around us[3]. Overall, however, we tend to retain a general, overarching self-image. If this is less than positive, it can seriously limit how confident we feel at work or home, and stop us from reaching our potential or feeling truly happy.

Internal imagery, or the art of visualising ourselves feeling or acting a certain way can be very powerful. Research has shown that we use the same neural circuitry to visualise our self-image as we do for making sense of the physical world around us. So, self-image can feel as real as objects we see in the real world.

The power of self-talk

NLP involves actively changing patterns and actions in order to train ourselves to think differently. It is not a passive process that gets better without any input from us, or something that can be done subconsciously. The good news is that there are many exercises and NLP tactics that can be done to help improve our self-confidence processes. One key area to work on is changing the way that you talk about yourself and, if necessary, silencing your inner critic. Self-talk can be hugely motivational and beneficial to confidence if it is done in a healthy way. Affirmations such as “You’ve got this” or “You can do it” can help you feel more confident about facing a daunting or new situation.

However, when self-talk turns negative, it can seriously dent your confidence. We would never talk to a cherished friend in negative terms when they are expressing worry about whether or not they are capable of doing something difficult. Rather, we would work to build them up and help them feel better about themselves and their abilities. We would encourage them.

So, why is it that so many of us talk harshly to ourselves? Next time you are practising self-talk, take a step back and analyse what’s going on. What tone of voice are you using to talk to yourself? Is it warm and encouraging or sharp and critical? The next stage is to change the things you don’t like about your inner voice. Start by ‘moving’ it in your mind so that it seems less important. A sound coming from your little toe will not seem quite so intrusive as a voice bellowing right into your ear.

After moving the voice further away, imagine adding some silly music or comic sound effects to it in order to remove even more of its power and credibility. Make it seem as irrelevant and nonsensical as possible. Once you have done as much as you can in that regard, grab hold of the voice in your mind and throw it away from you with full force. Watch it zooming off into the distance, taking your negative inner critic with it.

Then, fill the void it leaves with some self-affirming statements instead. It might take a few tries to choose one that really resonates with you. Stand in front of the mirror every day – morning and night – and repeat your chosen positive -phrase while looking yourself in the eye. You can change the phrase as you face different challenges. For example, before a big event at work or if you are finding something difficult in your home life, switch to a statement that describes what you want to achieve – and reminds you that you have the ability to succeed.

Perhaps you might say to yourself, “I am an effective presenter who is not afraid to speak in front of others,” or “I deserve a pay rise and will remain calm and logical when I ask for one.” How about: “I accept and love myself and am good at raising my children?”

Modelling and anchoring

After working on your inner voice, another good approach to boosting self-confidence is by using the NLP techniques of modelling and anchoring[4]. While modelling can be done by observing others to see how they act and react to situations, it can also be practised alone[5]. In other words, using yourself as your inspiration for modelling can really help you develop your self-confidence. Instead of looking externally for behaviour you would like to emulate, look closer to home.

Think of a time when you felt confident and trusting in your own abilities. Try to recollect how you acted, stood, spoke and felt at that time. Really explore your feelings and cement your memories of what happened on that positive occasion. Revisit them a few times to make sure they have bedded in with you.

This is when anchoring comes in. When you next face a difficult situation or feel nervous or worried, take a deep breath and cast your mind back to the occasion that you identified when you felt confident. When you feel properly connected with it, meditate on it for a few moments. Allow yourself to see, hear and recall it in as much depth as possible. Then, make a clear gesture, like gently touching your wrist.

Come out of the memory and bring your thoughts and feelings back to the present day. Make the same gesture and think back to the memory. Repeat this a few times until your brain starts to associate the gesture with your self-modelled confident memory. Over time, the gesture will help you feel more self-confident, just as you did on the positive occasion that you recalled. After all, if you managed to feel confident and enjoy success before, there is no reason at all why you cannot do so again. I wish you the very best of luck – you really can do it!

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[1] Source: Avoiding the enemies to happiness, Grant Soosalu, published 2014, pp58-91

[2] Source: https:// www.goodreads.com/quotes/978-whether-you-think-you-can-or-you-think-you-can-t–you-re. Accessed 26 July 2023

[3] Source: Avoiding the enemies to happiness, Grant Soosalu, published 2014, pp58-91

[4] Source: NLP for Business Success, Jeremy Lazarus, published 2013, pp231-240

[5] Source: https:// www.nlpschool.com/improve-your-confidence-with-nlp/. Accessed 26 July 2023