How to talk to others about the difficult stuff and remain on good terms

Our voices have always been incredibly effective communication tools, right from our prehistoric days when stories were told around the fire about hunting trips and warnings were shared about woolly mammoths approaching the cave. When we talk, we gain a sense of achievement. We are doing something – passing on a message, teaching others, asking questions, making connections or sharing a problem or need that we have[1]. We can physically hear ourselves talking too, which helps us get a better sense of how we feel about an issue or emotion and how our reactions are making us behave.

A key element of neuro-linguistic programming – or NLP – is changing how we think and behave through perceptual, behavioural and communication techniques, such as talking[2]. The process relies on understanding how we process language, or the way we use words to communication our feelings and ideas. NLP is about learning how the words and phrases we use in speech can bring about positive changes in ourselves and how we react to others. This can only be a good thing.

However, what happens when how we talk has an adverse effect on our listener? This is a big problem in the business world, when people can suffer from a loss of self-confidence or self-belief if spoken to harshly, or given negative feedback that they don’t understand. It’s the same in personal relationships. If we perceive our partner to be criticising us for seemingly little or no reason, or not respecting what we have to say in response to their side of the conversation, this can start placing doubt in our minds about the future of the relationship, or the value that we are both contributing and getting out of it.

Being able to not only actively listen to what other people are saying to us, but to understand how our own words spoken back to them will affect us and them going forward is hugely valuable. It is also highly achievable using NLP techniques and methodology, such as mBraining.

The power of mBraining

Those of you who know me, or who have worked with me before will know that I am a huge fan of mBraining – the science of tapping into all three of our intelligences, or ‘brains’ based in the head, heart and gut. This not only allows us to connect with the different emotional centres and motivations that drive us, but also to help inform how we talk to people about difficult topics.

The head brain focuses on logic, creativity, facts and analysis – we use it to work out what is happening and what our reaction to it should be. It provides us with the evidence we need to formulate our response. The heart brain, as you might expect, adds an extra layer of compassion, emotional thinking and relating to how others might be feeling or approaching things. Finally, the gut brings courage, conviction, self-preservation and motivation[3].

Being able to access all three brains simultaneously is crucial if we want to develop a deeper, more layered approach to how we talk to others. We can all recall moments in our lives when how someone spoke to us made us feel amazing, empowered, frightened or worthless. We reacted on an emotional level to their choice of words and tone of voice. Words are powerful – and can be even more so when chosen and conveyed using the benefit of all three of our brains. After all, it stands to reason that using three brains to help us talk to someone about something hard, or react to a difficult idea will produce a far more balanced, considered result than just going with one!

Giving feel-good feedback

Giving feedback is a skill that must be learned and developed. It can be all too easy to use the wrong phrasing to make people feel bad. A little more thought about which words to choose when providing your analysis can turn a potentially humiliating, upsetting or frightening experience into something more palatable. We can all learn from others; constructive criticism, when delivered well, can often prove a turning point in the listener’s career development, relationships or personal growth.

For example, consider the difference between telling someone “you are unable to do this job properly”, compared to “you have not yet learned how to do this as well as you could.” The first one shuts down any form of discussion over potential to improve and makes the listener feel helpless and inadequate. They could tend towards a purely emotional response in return, such as anger, denial or despair. This is not at all helpful if you want to support them to improve[4].

While the second phrasing around “not yet” may still make the person feel uncomfortable, you have left room for a further conversation about what resources they might need to help them improve, and given the person hope that they can work to achieve what is expected of them. They can retain their dignity and believe that they have it in them to succeed in the future. This all helps people to remain focused, motivated and engaged – reactions that stem from the head, heart and gut to produce a more balanced response.

The power of talking kindly to yourself

Receiving feedback can also be difficult, especially if the person providing it has not thought about the impact that their words will have on you, or is coming at the conversation from a position of anger or frustration. The secret here is knowing that, while you cannot always control your emotional reaction, you can learn what to do with it to achieve a more favourable outcome. NLP techniques can help you accept your reactions by identifying your thoughts and their origins, before using the insights gained to change your associated behaviours[5].

So, when receiving difficult feedback, tap into your three brains to help you process what has been said. Then, talk kindly to yourself about it. Work on your self-belief. Logically, you can’t be hopeless at absolutely everything – we all have strengths and weaknesses. While you may need help changing your behaviour in one or two areas, you have already come a long way and have strong foundations to build on to help you take the next step.

Finally, problems are very rarely the fault of one single party, so it won’t usually just be about you and what you have or have not done in isolation. Take some time out to ask yourself what role others played (or could have played) in the situation under discussion. Were you supported properly to succeed? In time, you will find that a lot of good will have come out of the experience in terms of learnings and personal growth, even if it doesn’t feel that way at the time. When that time comes, talking it through with someone else facing the same thing could help them change their reactions and behaviours based on what you have learned and shared in conversation – what a rewarding thing to do!

For more information about NLP and its benefits, get in touch with me today.  Let’s Connect

[1] Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-chronicles-infertility/201808/the-power-talking. Accessed 27 March 2023.

[2] Source: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/320368#what-is-nlp. Accessed 27 March 2023

[3] Source: https://www.mbraining-global.com/science. Accessed 27 March 2023.

[4] Source: NLP for Business Success, Jeremy Lazarus, published 2013, p23.

[5] Source: Avoiding the Enemies to Happiness, Grant Soosalu, published 2014, p333