It takes two (or more): Why it’s worth listening to other people
The author, Mark Twain once said: “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”[1]
How many parents and carers of young people have nodded sagely and perhaps smiled at those words? The youthful arrogance displayed shows no awareness that, perhaps it is the boy who has changed and learned to appreciate the wisdom of those around him, rather than the father who has suddenly caught up.
The art of listening to other people and taking in what they are saying without applying our own filters to influence the message is harder than it first appears. When we communicate, our mind takes in external information via our senses and then passes it through three filters[2]:
- Deletion
- Distortion
- Generalisation
This leads to an altered internal representation, or mental image of what we think we have just been told. This is normally a mixture of sounds, images, feelings, and our own internal dialogue. Our state of mind helps us determine how we feel about the information received, which leads on to impacting on how we react and behave as a direct result.
If we are disturbed or upset by what we have heard, we become more defensive and less likely to react positively. Conversely, hearing something that pleases us puts us into a good frame of mind and we are more likely to co-operate and help establish a good outcome. Knowing that we are prone to putting our own filters on information can really help us take a mental step back and listen properly to what is being said and think more logically about the possible motivations behind it. Do we really need to go on the defence? Is it possible our filters have made us misunderstand what the other person is saying?
Perceptual Positions
As well as recognising the effect that our own internal filters have on our ability to listen to others, understanding other people’s points of view is another helpful tool to help us improve our listening skills. This is known in NLP terms as understanding different people’s ‘perceptual positions.’[3] Perceptual positions describe the different points of view seen in a specific situation. For example, our own point of view is known as the ‘first position’, while someone else with whom we are engaging takes up the ‘second position’. The ‘third position’ is occupied by another ‘dissociated observer or party who normally has a wider overview.
This model helps us recognise that everyone sees the world in their own unique way and that our point of view, or experience of a conversation, may differ hugely from someone else’s. If we can learn how to see things from other people’s points of view, this can not only improve our ability to listen but enhance our negotiation skills at the same time.
Thinking about perceptual positions can help in a range of scenarios, from preparing for meetings to practicing interview techniques; preventing conflicts to coaching others. It can also help on a department or group-wide basis, for example when planning business strategies, working on a creative project, or preparing joint presentations[4].
How to listen more effectively
There is a huge amount of advice online regarding how to become a better listener. According to one article from the UK charity British Heart Foundation’s magazine, Heart Matters, there are ten aspects to becoming a brilliant listener[5]. These include the following areas:
Body language is important. Always face the person speaking to you and aim for an appropriate level of eye contact. This shows that you are paying them attention and regard what they are saying as important. If you want to look away, glance to the side rather than down, as the latter can seem like you are trying to break off from the conversation.
Watch out for non-verbal cues. As humans, we don’t just communicate with our voices. Clues as to what the person is trying to convey include tone of voice, facial expressions, hand gestures, posture, and other signs that reveal emotions. Even if you are listening to someone on the phone, you can still pick up a lot about what they are saying if you actively aim to notice how they are saying it and what emotions they are expressing. Give non-verbal cues back where appropriate too, such as nodding your head, smiling, or making encouraging noises, such as ‘uh-huh’ and ‘mmm.’
Other advice includes not interrupting, not jumping to conclusions, and listening without judging. This is very important when talking with someone about their feelings, or if the conversation topic is a difficult one. Try to listen to them without distraction, such as planning in your head what you are going to say next, or half listening into another conversation or background noise. People will find it much harder to trust your responses and input if they feel you are not fully engaging with what they are trying to say. Stay focused and never, ever check your phone mid-conversation.
Finally, do not impose your own opinions or suggestions unless you are directly asked for them. Even then, try to remain tactful, measured, and open to the other person’s point of view. Often, people just want to ‘vent’ or share problems with someone else to release their pent-up emotions and get their thoughts straight by uttering them out loud. They are not usually looking for advice or solutions straight away.
Do ask questions to make sure you understand what they are telling you. Paraphrasing or repeating small sections of the conversation back to the person can also help you ensure understanding and make them feel that you are really trying to follow their train of thought and listen to what they have to offer. If it helps, you could make some brief notes after the conversation, when you are on your own, so that you can recall what you spoke about if you think you are going to return to it later on.
For more information about NLP, perceptual positions, the art of listening, and how to channel your inner Mark Twain, get in touch with me today.
[1] Source: https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/78468-when-i-was-a-boy-of-14-my-father-was. Accessed 17 May 2023
[2] Source: NLP for Business Success, Jeremy Lazarus, published 2013, p16-20
[3] Source: NLP for Business Success, Jeremy Lazarus, published 2013, p153-162
[4] Source: NLP for Business Success, Jeremy Lazarus, published 2013, p154
[5] Source: https://www.bhf.org.uk/informationsupport/heart-matters-magazine/wellbeing/how-to-talk-about-health-problems/active-listening. Accessed 17 May 2023
