The power of negotiation – how to get what you want while remaining friends with the other side

The delicate art of negotiation is about more than just getting your way. However, it is also not about rolling over and acquiescing to every demand in pursuit of a quiet life. When it comes to working out how to resolve a divisive issue, the real skill lies in achieving an outcome that everyone can live with. A result that sees all parties leaving the table as, if not always close friends, then at least without harbouring too much anger or resentment.

So, how can you achieve that? Once again, NLP steps forward to provide a toolkit of techniques, beliefs and activities that help you as a negotiator gain a better understanding of the situation, what you want to get out of it and how to communicate with the people involved for the greater good of all. A major aspect of NLP is learning how to see things from other people’s perspectives. This is also key to negotiating. After all, you cannot even begin to work out what to offer people in return for what you want if you don’t get where they are coming from, or what is driving their point of view.

We have all been stuck in our own way of thinking at some point in our lives. This comes from only being able to see things for our own point of view, or, in NLP terminology, our own perceptual position. There are three positions in any act of communication. Our own is the ‘first position’ and the person we are communicating with holds the ‘second position’. A third position also exists – the neutral position of anyone observing the exchange[1]. The closer you can move from your first position to replicate the third ‘neutral’ stance, the more likely it will be that you can start to see things more objectively and start to understand what other people may be feeling and seeing too.

In order to make this move, it can be helpful to physically map out the three positions and visualise yourself standing in each one, taking on the thoughts and motivations of each person as you move around. The aim is to become as ‘detached’ as possible from the issue at hand so that you can start to see it from several angles, rather than just your own, subjective point of view. Only by doing this can you begin to work out what you might be able to offer the other parties involved in order to strike a workable deal.

Parents of teenagers know this only too well. How many times has a parent negotiated a few more hours of exam revision in return for a meal out at the weekend or money for a cinema trip? They can only do this if they know what motivates their reluctant teen to work – and show that they genuinely want to come to a mutually acceptable outcome that benefits everyone in some way.

The Stages of negotiation

The actual negotiation can be broken down into several stages[2]. Once you have worked out how to step out of your own, subjective ‘first position’, it is time to clarify in your mind what outcome you want to achieve from the negotiation. This might seem obvious, but it can be all too easy to forget what you are actually trying to do once the emotions and pressure start to kick in. Again, NLP can help with this. Visualise yourself enjoying your preferred outcome. What does it look like? Feel like? Be as specific as possible so that you feel inspired by your vision and in full command of the details.

Aslo see Setting Great Goals to help you with your preparation

Next, work on your sensory acuity, or awareness of how other people around you are responding to the negotiations’ opening gambits, both consciously and unconsciously. Look at body language – is it positive or negative, and is it mirroring what the person is saying to you? Are their facial expressions positive or negative, and what tone of voice are they adopting? Stay flexible as you proceed, observing them carefully for signs of a change in mood, attitude or discussion focus. Think about what you are willing to compromise on to reach a good conclusion, and what is non-negotiable.

If you are unwilling to budge on something, explain why. This will help the other person deepen their understanding of your position and motivation. Negotiations falter when the talking stops, so make a pact to continue discussing the situation, calmly and with an open mind. If this proves difficult, take a break and return to it with a refreshed mind later on.

Remember the adage ‘fake it until you make it.[3]’ Although Amy’s Cuddy’s research has not been fully replicated, we know that our posture and body language communicate so the lesson from this research is to be aware of and use your own body language to show that you are confident of reaching a successful conclusion. Keep gestures open and assured to tell people that you are operating from a strong, well-informed, fully prepared position. Keep your voice strong and audible. Use your diaphragm to support your breath so that you don’t run out at the end of a sentence.

Visualise success and replicate signs of excellence and strength that you see in your negotiating partner. Use a persuasive tone of voice and language that mirrors theirs as much as possible. A lower tone of voice generally denotes authority and control of the situation[4]. When the other person shows signs of flexibility, express gratitude and acknowledge their willingness to compromise. Try not to take things personally – having to negotiate things is inevitable across all parts of life from business teams to friendship groups; romantic relationships to children.

Finally, learn how to recognise well-formed outcomes[5]. In NLP terms, these tend to be worded positively and cover all that you need them to; be specific and measurable so that you can track their progress and be sufficiently resourced and be physically possible. They should come with a clear purpose and goal and adhere to your own personal values. An outcome will never be good for you if you feel uncomfortable with what you have to do to make it happen.

Find out more about how NLP can help you negotiate with people and end up remaining friends get in touch today Let’s Connect

[1] Source: NLP for Business Success, Jeremy Lazarus, published 2013, pp 153-162

[2] Source: https://procurementtemplates.co.uk/negotiation-training-a-quick-guide/. Accessed 29 June 2023

[3] Source: https://blog.ted.com/fake-it-til-you-become-it-amy-cuddys-power-poses-visualized/. Accessed 29 June 2023

[4] Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/attraction-evolved/201906/deep-impact-asserting-authority-low-pitched-voice. Accessed 29 June 2023

[5] Source: Avoiding the Enemies to Happiness, Grant Soosalu, published 2014, p 436